Pregnancy is beautiful. It's so special that God designed procreation to happen this way and I really do feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to take part in the growth and development of another human being. I believe that all children are a blessing from the Lord. Pregnancy is full of fun milestones -- sharing the happy news with friends and family, finding out the gender, baby's first kick, a growing belly as a testament to a growing baby. I have thoroughly enjoyed this experience and journey to a baby so far, but I also feel the need to share some of the other, more vulnerable thoughts roaming in my head.
I'm just not a sugar coating kind of girl -- I appreciate transparency and honesty to a great degree, though certainly while keeping respect and kindness in mind. Pregnancy really can be all of the great things you hear and full of exciting emotions as you prepare for baby, but for me it is also a time of reflection and deep thought on where I seek for joy and happiness. Here's my honest fear: I'm incredibly happy with just Sean and I -- I'm fearful that the addition of a baby will somehow change this good thing we've had going on now for over 10 years as each others' "one and only." Some people choose to have a baby to fill a void, patch a relationship, find additional happiness. Although I certainly dreamed of becoming a mommy and seeing Sean as a daddy, we didn't feel a sense of emptiness, but instead of fullness of joy that God had provided us as husband and wife. How does the love for a baby fit into a heart already so full?
This questioning of how the baby will be received by me emotionally can lead to other negatively associated emotions. Guilt for not having only feelings of contentment. Conviction for not having a thankful heart for this circumstance and trusting in the Lord's timing. Time in prayer, focusing on scriptures of thankfulness and an understanding husband have helped me work through these, but I have a feeling this will be a spiritual battle I fight for some time to come. These feelings don't overwhelm me often and don't occupy a majority of my thoughts, but they are there and they are real. If I ignore them they will be used against me and my relationship with my Savior. If I acknowledge them, asking for persistent help and forgiveness, I will not be alone.
The picture I have been given is one of an expanding heart. Love that supplements, not supplants. I suppose it's so hard for me to imagine because I've never experienced it before. I've seen it modeled by other moms, including my own, and know it's possible. I trust that God knows my every need and that he will fulfill the desires of my heart as long as I am faithful to Him.
It's refreshing to see such real thoughts from a soon-to-be mama! I love the idea of "Love that supplements, not supplants." I will definitely have to remember that whenever I have a little one on the way. You and Sean have such an inspiring relationship. I can't wait to see pictures of your little girl once she arrives :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Nicole. Although bringing another person into the mix can add stress at times (that's just the truth; it's magical and wonderful but can also have its moments), it is nothing you haven't heard/seen the worst of from movies, tv, and/or possibly even friends/family.
ReplyDeleteYou and Sean are going to be great parents and, I have no doubt, will also continue to be great spouses to one another. You both already have the most important thing you can in order to do that: a strong relationship with God! As long as you continue to develop that and be intentional to communicate and stay close to each other (which I have no doubt you will), I am sure you will continue to be not just fine or great, but an example to others of what a marriage should look like.
I felt similarly to you four years ago. I love Dan more now that he is father to my children and I see another side to him. I didn't think I could have more love in our marriage.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't think it possible to love additional children "enough" as they needed since I felt maxed out on love with Dan and Daniel. I worried. I prayed.
I think God answered me with changing how I look at life- no more percentages, maximum capacity, etc. love is a fluid emotion and amount.